it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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