just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
