i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize