On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
