Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
