I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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