Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
