Your dad touched me again.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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