Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
