The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
