I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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