I puked a lego.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
