I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize