Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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