i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
