I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
