Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
as a side note pls kill me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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