her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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