I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
