This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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