Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
