see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
