my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize