i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
