just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
