Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
