none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
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