You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
