At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
