Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
