its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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