she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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