the condom got lost in my hair
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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