FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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