Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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