I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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