I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
