well I can't set my house on fire every night
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
