Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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