Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
