Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
