my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
