About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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