The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
