Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
love makes seman taste better
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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