I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
