The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
