I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
