we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
