i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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