Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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