I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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