this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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