just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
