I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
